The Lingerie Report

Vic's was having a "panty raid"-so I went in and selected seven pairs. But then, I couldn't decide out of the 13 pairs I'd picked. I needed food. So I left and went to another mall to clear my head and get something to eat.

I went to Rubio's(TM) and got a salad. True IT was delightful, but the salmon on it had been over cooked and burnt. Dreadful. And to make matters worse? When I called in for the "survey"-it got hung up and didn't understand my pressing #3. Or #6. Or any other number. It's like-they got what they wanted and they WOULD BE DAMNED IF THEY WERE GOING TO LET ME ENTER THEIR FUCKING SWEEPSTAKES.

Okay. This is what I purchased: seven pairs of ruched back panties, 3 pink and 4 black. Because, let's be practical: white stains too easily. There I SAID it. But there was a snafu: as I was checking out, I asked the girl to be certain that all the panties were a size extra small, and she noticed that one wasn't. It was a small. SO she had to "return" it-and this involved taking my ID "You've already seen it, " I snapped.

"I have to swipe for the return," she said.

Well. All right, but it did NOT make me happy.

Ten minutes later, I left the store and headed over to the GAP(TM). I found an adorable pair of silky blue panties with ruching for under four dollars-and a bathing suit bottom that TOTALLY rocked for only 12. It was a good day.

And today? I tried on the new panties (I had hand washed them when I got home last night) and they looked aDOREable! And they were so comfy. Oh GOD! Long live VIC'S! Their panties make me look like I have the WORLD'S BEST BOTTOM!

I remain,

Hilda Stinson

(eternally sexy)