A Modest Proposal Revisited

Jonathan Swift, much like Thomas Malthus, had a point. And that is: we are drowning in people. What with all this unemployment and the poverty and the disease. This is no way to live. What with our economy in the toilet and the Republicans driving our country into an even deeper ditch! The motive to make OBAMA LOOK BAD! Okay, I said it. Can we deal with it, can we reason against the Republican mendacity? Can we? Can we fuck them up? Let's do that. I have a modest proposal to get the economy "back on track".

Jonathan Swift wrote about the Irish, who, like today's Mexicans, are breeding like, well, rabbits, can I say that? (Of course I can! This is satire, you idiots! So NO HATE MAIL!) And it's not just Mexicans that are breeding. All SORTS of people are having children. And for what? To fill our useless schools? To create employment for obstetricians? I'm not sure why. But the supermarkets are filled with people. The lines, my dear reader! The lines! They are keeping me from my little chocolate cupcakes with HUGE mint heads!

At times, I feel as if I should just open up a vein in a hot bath (this is called a Roman bath, for those of you who don't know)-and be done with it all.

What is it all for anyway?

But onto the proposal. I am, after all, a devotee to all things delicious. And I can imagine how much our right to lifers will enjoy the meals I devise for them, as well as all the oil company executives, and, well, Republicans in general. Because they are all evil. Let's make no mistake about THAT.

It was revealed to me at one point in time, that the reason that Jews and Muslims do not eat pork is NOT because of parasites. No. It is because some cultures refer to humans as "long pig"-go ahead, look it up, I dare you-and it is the same reason firemen will not eat pork. They are all familiar with the smell, dare I say it? Humans are a form of pork. We are pork, I tell you, pork!

And, let me remind you, before you accuse me of hellish insanity, that was are still having some satire going on. So fear not, my little chickens. I mean piggies.

Here is my proposal: For all of the unemployed poor people who can't get work, they can turn all of their excess babies into a butchery, for lots and lots of money. The Republicans can finally get something to eat that they've always wanted-and the economy is saved.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to be like Mr. Swift and give all the details of how great it will be. Well, all right. Some: think of all the abortions that won't happen! That's right, instead of aborting your child, you can sell it and it can be eaten! The right to lifers will LOVE it! No more abortion!

Hmm. What else? Well, there might be some unemployment at the diaper factories. That would be bad, so maybe. Oh shit. What will we do with all the unemployed diaper workers? And the retail baby store workers?

Wait. Hmm. Well, at least there will be fewer poor people. Oh. But the schools. Shit. We have to fill the schools or there will be unemployed teachers! And principals! (Well, it 'ent like they do any real work no how anyway!) But they won't have their huge salaries! The economy will collapse! (Oh. Wait. Hasn't it?)

I don't know.

But at least the Republicans will get a good meal.

And, after all, isn't that the point?

I remain,

Hilda Stinson