Christmas Boogers

It was a fair day in the month of May when the Captain whisked me off to our annual book club barbecue.

As he buckled me into the new multidimensional vehicle he had just built, I sneezed violently.

"Bless you," Mal handed me a tissue.

I blew. Ew. Bloody. And green. Christmas boogers. Yes, I was still sick.

"We don't have to go if you're feelin' poorly," Mal said. "I reckon we could go back to that nice hotel we went to on our honeymoon, have the help fetch you some tea and-"

"Barbecue." I said. "Can't miss the barbecue, they're having elections."

He sighed. "All right, but I hate to see you so sick and out of bed, darlin," he grinned. "Actually, I hate to not have you in bed most times." He kissed me passionately, which left me out of breath, because, well, quite frankly, I needed to blow my nose again.

When we arrived, I had already gone through half a box of tissues and I wondered if I was going to make it. I stuffed the rest of the box into my enormously over sized purse, which I had affectionately nicknamed "da poisse".

The Captain unbuckled me and pulled me upright and off we went to the door.

"Hilda! Mal!" Tom and Agnes chorused as they opened the door. Tom wore a knee length plaid pair of shorts coupled with a pale yellow golf shirt. Agnes was in a form fitting green dress. She looked adorable.

"Hey, Agnes, Tom," I hugged and kissed them both, as the Captain shook Tom's hand and bussed Agnes on the cheek.

They led us to the backyard where there was a choice: mojitos or margaritas.

"Darling, " I addressed Agnes, "Could I possibly have some hot tea?" I pointed to my unfortunate nose, which was starting to go red.

"Oh yes, of course. Hilda! What are you doing out of bed?"

"Well, I can't miss the elections. I missed them last year and we wound up with Harriet Duchune as treasurer." Harriet had been well meaning, but has not been able to keep track of all the money and had wound up with the both of us needing to go over to her pack ratty little house to dig up all the accounts. It had not been a fun afternoon, lemme tell you.

"Yes, that was unfortunate." Agnes said darkly. "I will be right back, Hilda. Lemon?"

"Yes, please, with honey."

The back year was beehive of activity. Husbands roamed the lawn and commandeered the grill. Chicken, glazed with barbecue sauce lay sizzling on the grill, next to finely seasoned t-bone steaks and grilling vegetables.

On the main table, there was a huge green salad made with arugula, jicama and beets in a creamy french dressing, along with red potato salad, complete with celery seed, onion and celery, a veritable gourmet's delight. I sighed. If only I had an appetite.

The Captain's eyes widened with pleasure as he grabbed a plate and dug into the goodies. He was in 7th food heaven. I coughed, bringing up a big hock of green phlegm and then blew my nose. Bloody. More Christmas boogers. I waited anxiously for my tea.

When we finally sat down, the meeting came to order and nominations were made, seconded and people were voted into office. I felt vindicated that I had come out to make sure that there was never again another Harriet debacle.

"Hilda?"

"Yes, Agnes?"

"Good show."

"Indeedy," I agreed. I held out my cup as Agnes poured me more tea.

"Would you like a cupcake?" Agnes offered.

"Well, I would be remiss if I didn't at least taste one," I said.

"Very true," the Captain concurred as he stuffed another one into his mouth.

The cupcakes were chocolate and vanilla striped cake, stacked one layer upon the other with the fluffiest white icing ever-and most fortunately of all, they were tiny so that one may enjoy a tiny bit without dire caloric consequences. I took one from Agnes and bit into it: heaven. The cake was moist with a rich texture that was complimented by the creamy vanilla icing that had been whipped into lightness that tripped and skipped its way onto the tongue. Delicious. Again I coughed.

"Hilda, that does not sound good," Agnes poured me more tea as I dug into my purse for more tissues.

I sighed. "I know, Cap will have to whisk me back home to bed any minute now."

Agnes nodded vigorously. "The elections are done, so it's time to put you back in bed."

"I couldn't agree more," the Captain took me by the hand and led me back to his vehicle, as I continued to produce Christmas boogers by the bucketful.

"Good barbecue," I said.

"Yes," the Captain agreed and paused,"I wonder where they put Brutus?"

I laughed. "Probably in the basement with an entire chicken."

As if on cue, Brutus emerged, barking at the car as we started it up.

"Oh, there he is!" I blew my nose loudly.

"Well, I'll be hornswoggled," Mal unrolled the window and gave the beast a patting. "Hey boy," as Brutus tried to wiggle his way into the vehicle. "No, buddy, we have to go," Mal shoved Brutus' snout out of the window and promptly closed it.

"That was close," I said.

"Aw, he's a good boy," Mal pressed the lift off button.

"Yeah, except he thinks I'm a chicken."

"True," Mal laughed, "but then again, you do taste good."

 In a trice we were back in my bedroom, with me lying on the bed, Mal kneeling between my thighs. "So much better than chicken," he licked me and fingered me until I came. "So nice," he said. "Now, get some rest." He got up off his knees and went into the kitchen to make me more tea.

I love my Captain.

I remain,

Hilda Stinson