How I Look

At this point, dear readers, you are probably wondering what I look like.

"Sure," you're probably thinking, "she's a REAL fatty," because of what I said about myself weighing a lot.

Well, I do.

But I am incredibly "compact"-as one suitor put it.

My mother was quite tall, quite blonde and incredibly stupid. It was her destiny to fall in love with my father, a short light skinned British black man, who resembled Sherman Helmsley (okay, George Jefferson, since most of you don't bother to learn the names of the actual actors)-and if you still don't know who I'm talking about, you are hideously ignorant of our nation's comedy TV history and I suggest you HOP to and "get with it", so to speak, as The Jefferson's was quite possibly one of the best, if not THE best sitcom of the 1970's.

I am white. As in, positively marmoreal, a neat trick for someone who is supposed to be "half black". My hair is light blonde and the texture is, I'm afraid, less than smooth. I am forced into the salon everything three months to get it "Brazilian-ed" so that it will behave.

My eyes are frog colored. This is what happens when you get the incomplete dominance between dark brown and light blue. You get frog. Or, legally, as it says on my driver's license (who said I could DRIVE?!) my eyes are hazel. Oddly, I get a lot of compliments on my eyes, and naturally on the color of my hair.

As for my figure: believe it or not, I am a work out freak. I own over 100 workout videos and I use them all (some more than others). I am currently working on "functional fitness" which sounds like doing housework, but it isn't. It's more like doing decline push ups off a balance ball, among other things, that, if you had never seen it before, you'd think to be impossible. But I do them all.

But back to my actual figure: my mother, being Swedish, had enormous boobs, which I inherited, except that on HER it looked proportionate. I am unfortunately short, like my father and so, at five three, to have a cup size of triple D is a bit much. My boobs always enter the room before I do and they never fail to catch any stray bits of food that happen to drop. I am, as a result, a very careful eater.

You would think that since I am half black that I would at least get what they call "the sista butt", but, I did not. It's flat. Like my mother's, so I have to build it up with heavy weights. It's small and somewhat round, but I will never ever be mistaken from the back as "black", unfortunately.

Last, I feel it only fair to comment on my facial features which are a rather exotic combination of the Negroid and Caucasian, so that, in profile, I do look, decidedly black, but only in profile. And I have stopped trying to convince people of my heritage;it takes entirely too much time.

I remain,

faithfully yours (and yours and yours and yours!)

Hilda Stinson