Telly Porn

Okay. Let's talk about the new Subway commercial: Pastrami. It looks really good. The melting bubbling cheese and the toasted bread just beckoning you..
Yeah. As IF.

Let's talk turkey: as in: really? The Pastrami looks like it's been bathed in nitrates. Nitrites? Hmm. And their bread? It tastes AWFUL when it's toasted. What a gyp! En serio! I'm so tired of the hype.

The Big Carl? Really? The last time I ate at Carl's Jr. I suffered from: a. indigestion and b. through one of the worst sandwiches I'd ever eaten. It was a steak sandy. So really? Going after the Big Mac? I'll believe it when I taste it. And I know, it won't be good. Why should I even try. Hey Carl's Jr. why don't you have a "free" promotion on that? At least then I won't have to pay to get indigestion.

Last? McD's full on brekkie. Ugh. Corn based pancakes. Yuck. And I will NOT be eating those scrambled eggs. Like you could ever get ME to eat eggs. Although, I will give them the sausage. The sausage DOES kick ass. And the bacon. Yeah. Although, it BETTER NOT be cold!

My last column was, how can I put this delicately? Taken away by the gods. Dammit! Mother of FUCK! (A cuss I invented, patent pending!)

It was entitled Bloody.

It was about Tyson Beckford. Wait. Let me make sure I'm still online. Yeah. Okay. I'm solid. (Not his real name, btw. Secret celebrity club. I'm known as Heidi Klum. 'Cos Ah'm sexy. And blonde. Yeah!)

Right now? I am hopped up on Benefactor Cellars. It's got a skeleton on it's label. It was 4.99 at Trader Joe's. It's GOOD. But I'm fucked up, I just thought you should know.

Now, something you should know about Tyson Beckford. He's not really "black". He's Dominican. There's a huge difference. That being that this: the whiteness of the "massas" dilutes the blood, so to speak, ergo, they are, the "blacks" de facto, white men. Sorry. True. Really really true. And, then there's this. The "being black" entitles one to a certain, shall I say, egoist-ness about one's sexual prowess. And to be honest? There's no reason for it. Yeah. There it is. I said it. But the Dominican? Oh man. It was good

So, not to be oblique, but I'm going to anyway:stiffen your upper lips my lovlies, it's about to get gruesome. Tyson Beckford could have been a Hell's Angels initiate.

Which is more than what i can say for the most recent: a boy, timid beyond words, who was about to, until I mentioned that it was my time.

Of course.

I love them Dominicans!

Holla!

Hilda Stinson