Things to NEVER talk about: My Time-DO NOT READ!

For those of you who are squeamish. It's time for you to vete. Out. Go on, go. It's about to get hard core.

It began yesterday morning and disappointed me AND my cousin Danny-and god only knows when she will have time off again, but I could NOT traipse around Disneyland in this condition.

I know that the tampon commercials tell us that we can "do ANYTHING!" It's just such a big fat ugly lie. You know what I do? I lie in bed all day. That's what I do.

Underneath me, I place a beach towel. Because tampons and pads? It doesn't matter, something ALWAYS gets all OVER my panties. Blood all over the place. Blood on the towel, on the sheets. As long as it doesn't get on the BED (because I have an expensive bed, whose safety is compromised by the cheap mattress cover which split in the washing machine one day. We've talked about the washing machine before. How it destroys sheets and coverlets. The holes.)

The very best tampons? I couldn't tell you. I just hate them. Uncomfortable. And then there's the dangling string: you have to think about how maybe it dangles in the toilet water when you go to the bathroom. Which is unacceptable.

There is also a diaphragm-like device that is supposed to hold the flow. It doesn't. But in its defense, they make it for everyone. And I suppose they figure most women have had children. Why don't they make it in sizes? They should. Real diaphragms come in sizes.

As for pads? So far, the best ones are the Always Infinity (TM). Not that there are never leaks or times when the blood goes off the pad. But it's comfortable and absorbs a lot. I always get the overnight ones even for use during the day. They're not bulky or anything. Although, sometimes I worry that because they are so thin that they won't work.

As for food? You thought I was never going to get there, didn't you? All right. I can eat anything I want. That's right. Nothing sticks to me during my time because my metabolism has speeded up quite a bit. Because I did not leave the house, I did not have access to bad goodies. The worst thing I did was eat three quarters of a chocolate bar (this was over the course of the day). Although I did fantasize about eating McDonald's (TM) french fries. Perhaps if and when I leave the house today!

Painfully yours,

Hilda Stinson